Monday, June 25, 2012

Single Isn't a Disease

Have you ever gone out with a friend only to find out that they're actually setting you up on a date? This has happened to me a couple of times in the last year, and while I find it flattering that they want me to be as "happy" as they are (because they're in a relationship and not single like I am); I also want to scream and say "Hey! There's a reason I'm single!"

What I mean is that I have no trouble finding dates. I know for a fact that I'm charming, I tend to have a sense of humor that matches the Capricorn's typical dryness, and I also know that physically I'm attractive enough that I may get offered a couple of drinks at a club. I stand at 5 foot 3 inches, have naturally red hair, and I have the hourglass figure that appeals to men. (Note that I said men..not boys)



Now I won't say that I don't enjoy getting attention from guys because let's face it; I'm female. Getting attention is one of those things that women naturally need in their lives. That's also why we're more drawn to drama, cat fights, and stealing each others boyfriends. Back to my point. 


I have dated in the past. I had a few "long-term" relationships, and a few not-so-long-term ones as well. I've been the rebound, the hookup, the ex-sex, the unknown, and honestly...none of those are fun. They lead to loss of self-respect, loss of dignity, and most importantly the loss of the one thing that I'm supposed to hold dearest to me; my heart. I've been single for over a year and a half, and I've somehow managed to have my heart broken not once but twice. I don't know how many of you have truly been heartbroken, but if you want to know how heartbreak feels you should read my poem "December". (I may or may not decide to post that on here) 


I don't hate being single. I don't necessarily like it either. It's a lonely life. I miss being able to tell any news, good or bad, at any give moment to a significant other. Sure, I have friends, but when it boils down to it you can't always text them or call them just so that you can tell them something that has happened. I miss late-night phone conversations that last 5 hours long, and the only reason you stop is because your eyes can't manage to remain open. I miss having someone I can open up to, and know that anything that I say won't change the way they feel about me. I miss all of those things. Hell, I don't even remember what it's like to kiss someone. 


I'm not the desperate teenage girl that I once was. In high school, and even the years before that, it seemed that in order to fit in and be accepted into that particular society I needed to be a part of a pair. I needed a boyfriend. I wouldn't be like everyone else if I wasn't the second half to a couple. This is what fueled my desire to be whoever I needed to be in order to get the guy. I was good at it too. I'm not that girl anymore. I grew out of that phase fortunately. 


I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I enjoy the attention and the knowledge that I'm "dateable" I find myself unable to put myself out there in that aspect. I like having friends. I like having guy friends. But I don't want anything more than friends. Friends are what I need right now. I'm young and I'm ambitious. This leaves very little room for someone who might, or might not, be my "Prince Charming"; if that even exists. I'm not willing to risk my future for a relationship again. I'm nineteen years old. I have plenty of other risks I can take.


Being single doesn't mean that I'm unhappy. Yes, being single can be lonely. Especially when you have friends shoving their happiness from their relationship and family down your throat. Single isn't a disease though. I will eventually be ready for a boyfriend...lover...husband...who knows. Just not now.

Always Yours, 

   Megan